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marți, 12 ianuarie 2010

Chuck Norris, better than IT

  • When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it’s across the room.
  • All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
  • Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
  • Chuck Norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
  • Chuck Norris’s first program was kill -9.
  • Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
  • All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
  • MySpace actually isn’t your space, it’s Chuck’s (he just lets you use it).
  • Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
  • Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
  • The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.
  • “It works on my machine” always holds true for Chuck Norris.
  • Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
  • Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
  • Chuck Norris’s beard can type 140 wpm.
  • Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
  • Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message “Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?”.
  • Reasons hacking is easy for Chuck Norris:
  1. Chuck Norris can overflow your stack just by looking at it.
  2. To Chuck Norris, everything contains a vulnerability.
  3. Malicious File Execution. Nuff said.
  4. Chuck Norris doesn’t need sudo, he just types “Chuck Norris” before his commands.
  5. Two words: Brute Force.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need a debugger, he just stares down the bug until the code confesses.
  • Chuck Norris can access private methods.
  • Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class.
  • Chuck Norris does not need to know about class factory pattern. He can instantiate interfaces.
  • The class object inherits from Chuck Norris.
  • Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations…EVER.
  • For Chuck Norris, NP-Hard = O(1).
  • Chuck Norris knows the last digit of PI.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • Bill Gates thinks he’s Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris actually laughed. Once.
  • The programs that Chuck Norris writes don’t have version numbers because he only writes them once. If a user reports a bug or has a feature request they don’t live to see the sun set.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in floating point numbers because they can’t be typed on his binary keyboard.
  • Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let’s Steve Jobs run the show when he’s on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.
  • Chuck Norris’ Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.
  • Chuck Norris solved the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) time. Here’s the pseudo-code:
  1. Break salesman into N pieces.
  2. Kick each piece to a different city.
  • When chuck norris point to NULL, Null scares.
  • Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.
  • There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris’ keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris don’t need passwords to access your system, he simply types * and system gives him access.
  • Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.
  • Chuck norris breaks RSA 128-bit encrypted codes in mill-seconds.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t needs try-catch, exceptions are too afraid to raise.
  • Chuck Norris went out of an infinite loop.
  • Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.
  • Chuck Norris’ programs never exit, they terminate.
  • Chuck Norris programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not executing.
  • Chuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.
  • Chuck Norris can install iTunes without installing Quicktime.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need an OS.
  • Chuck Norris’s OSI network model has only one layer- Physical.
  • Chuck Norris does not declare vars. He owns them.
  • Chuck Norris does not execute transactions. He makes’em pay!
  • Chuck Norris does not code in cycles, he codes in strikes.
  • Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can tag himself in Youtube.
  • Chuck Norris can order programs run faster.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t use GUI, he prefers COMMAND line.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t use Oracle, he is the Oracle.
  • Chuck Norris’ Eclipse plugin made alien contact.
  • Chuck Norris uses canvas in IE.
  • Chuck Norris’ database has only one table, ‘Kick’, which he DROPs frequently.
  • Chuck Norris’ CSS uses the kick-box-model.
  • Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
  • Chuk Norris’ files and documents are saved as .chuk files.
  • Chuck Norris types with 2 fingers. He points them at the keyboard and the keyboard does the rest.
  • Chuck Norris’s brain waves are suspected to be harmful to cell phones.
  • Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

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